Melancholoy

I have a heavy heart today and just can't shake it. Yesterday's post surely contributes to it, as you can imagine. Star's owners have been terrific. Didn't you just love that picture of her smiling in ecstasy for the camera, so content to be with her humans?

Another issue I've been debating about writing about (I don't want to hurt anyone by sharing MY feelings) came up yesterday and is looming large. We have a slow morning with only a few appointments so I am "dwelling." Not good. My best friend, Kristen, has an older dog, too. Vardaman has been her best friend for 15 1/2 years, a true tribute to her love and care. I met them as patient and client many years ago when a relief veterinarian accidentally gave him a vaccine that was meant to be given intranasally (drops in the nose itself) subcutaneously (under the skin) where the majority of vaccines are given. When I found out about the mistake, I researched and found that this could actually cause serious illness in some dogs, so got right on diagnostic and preventive care for her friend. It took some time and numerous follow up appointments where we actually learned we had much in common besides our obvious love of animals. Sometimes through adversity friendships can grow strong, as ours obviously did. Vardaman pulled through that episode with flying colors, thank goodness! Over the years, Vardaman had more than his share of ailments as he aged and, being the beloved pet of my best friend, I felt a great responsibility to keep him doing the best that he could. She was a devoted and knowledgeable pet owner, often making suggestions and researching supplements and medications and diets for him. I did the same, often consulting specialists and as a team, we kept Vardy pretty comfortable and happy.

Time has taken its toll as it will on all of us and yesterday he came in very sick from vomiting all weekend. We thought it could be a reaction to his numerous medications or suspected something worse due to his age. Unfortunately, we confirmed the worst with blood work and radiographs (x-rays) of his abdomen. Kristen loves him with all of her heart and above all does not want him to suffer. I love HER with all of my heart and don't want HER to hurt, but I know I can't stop that. Words like "don't worry" are pointless; of course she will worry about her buddy. He is currently at a referral hospital on IV fluids (my hospital is not staffed 24 hours) and being managed for his vomiting and pain and being given excellent care, but he isn't home with her, and that hurts. Due to his age and frailty, she doesn't want to put him through any extensive procedures, and even if she did, there would be no guarantees that would extend his life significantly. The choices are so hard to make, but since she knows him the best, it really is up to her to make them for him. I (and her referring doctors) can only give the medical information and advice at hand to help with those decisions. I believe we are going to try to get him "healthy" or at least strong enough to go home for a few days of normalcy, then make the decision to say goodbye in a peaceful setting at his home on the weekend.

There is something that has been bothering me, and I am hoping someone reading this (if I haven't totally bummed you all out over the past few days!) might be able to help me with. I know this is going to change my friend's and my relationship forever. I don't want her to remember me as "the one who killed her dog." You know by now after reading my blog for this long how important I believe this "gift" to be for our devoted pets. Ending suffering with dignity is something I do believe in and consider it my duty if not privilege to provide. But there is certainly a finality to it, and not everyone sees it as I do. I once drove over an hour to a friend's house to euthanize his 16 year old hound dog in the comfort of his house, it went as peacefully as you could wish, and he really never talked to me again. I would be devastated if that happened again. Then there is that tiny part of me that imagines the day when it will be my turn to say goodbye to my best friend, Verbal. Selfish, I know, but I am only human, and I love her more than is probably sane.

I could get a colleague to handle this particular situation for me, but that wouldn't be fair to my friend or the dog she loves so much. He has been MY patient and I take that very seriously. I'll pray about it and love on the new puppies and kittens scheduled to be seen this week. They are good therapy....they sure don't have time to be sad! I do love being a veterinarian, but some days are certainly harder than others. Thanks for "listening."

Peace,
DrReneigh